And I apologize if this seems wishy washy or waffley. I know there’s been a lot of jokes about me being a Ken Doll as of late. And while Im quite comfortable with the size of my junk, where I get hurt is:
A) EVERYONE insists that EVERYTHING I’m going through and experiencing is NOT real. in fact, every time I bring up the topic, or provide evidence that indeed things ARE real, I’m beaten verbally (sometimes physically) by everyone. INCLUDING my own family.
In all circumstances, always, I am threatened. the constant battle to maintain my own sanity and tell a good creative and inspiring story, coupled with the exhaustion of trying to prove to myself daily that I do indeed exist, leaves me in a super hypersensitive state where, for reasons I can’t explain, hits me really hard some days, and doesn’t even make me flinch on others.
truthfully speaking, this whole goose chase has worn on my psyche. and I do apologize for being a short fuse. but the constant misdiagnoses about the status of my mental health thrown at me by people I’ve never even had a conversation with are simply not true. and for every bit as paranoid, schizophrenic, temperamental, etc. that the project deems me to be, I see it in exactly the equal light. knowing this - i have repeatedly asked those involved for a face to face sit down meeting in private. Farnsworth knows best, perfectly symmetrical violence never solves anything. My offenders know this is all I’ve asked for, every single day of my life, for over a year now. On this, I have always been crystal clear - regardless of what larger metaphor or story being told at the time.
B) I’m always shocked and panicked that people know who I am. I know that sounds hypocritical, but hear me out. It’s not that I didn’t come LA to not ever be seen… I just didn’t know I already had. Also, everyone continues to walk around acting as if I haven’t. PLEASE DO NOT CONSTRUE ME IDENTIFYING MY DIFFICULTY ADJUSTING TO THIS INFO IN THE FACE OF MY OFFENDERS INSISTENCE THAT IT ISN’T TRUE, with me expecting a gold plated toilet and limosuines.
I’m serious. that is not what this fight is about. I’m very careful not to list any expectations outside of the current operation ceases with a legal guarantee drafted that it can NEVER happen again, as well as medical assitance and some peace time for me. I think it only fair that before I’m signed to sponsor a car company, pitched to a network to host a reality show, etc., that people should come to me and ask me my opinion. And don’t forget that while I’m very very sad, I keep saying I’m willing to let go of the carrots; carrots that I never asked for, but that they CERTAINLY dangled. Though I may breakdown on occassion (which I think i justifiable) I will continue to be the reasonable adult in the situation. Just be aware that after these past few months, I’m not as willing to budge on certain concessions as I was had they had wrapped this up last year when I asked.
furthermore, everyone insists on telling me that everything that has happened to me hasn’t. EVERYONE. I personally think it’s sad that I’m confined to huddle over my phone and try and drown out the world with Google Play (which btw - digging the month free trial of all access). Before April of 2012, I loved strangers and exploring. Yes, it wasnt until the Easter of that now famous “Inticing incident” as Silverman put it, that I set out to scribe in this fantasy world. So coming to term with other people’s jokes about me, especially ones that undermine the very real fear I experienced all the times I truly thought my life was being threatend, or that am a “white trash idiot who doesn’t know what he’s talking about” is equal parts frustrating and humbling. Please don’t think I am arrogant. I am blown away that my heroes, etc. are even aware that I live in their city, let alone that theyd appreciate my creative take on all this to even crack a joke.
This afternoon the nerdist podcast pondered: “when is a man a man?” the answer? When he or she is treated like a human being.
On Thursday, I was hurt. I can’t hide nor will I deny that fact. BUT PLEASE don’t misconstrue my hurt. the Sklar jokes weren’t unfunny. in fact, the Simmons yarn was downright awesome with everything they managed to incorporate. BUT it’s so damned annoying to me that I have to walk around in a world that says I dont exist. It makes me feel defenseless. So when I’m likened to Richard Simmons stuffing my box of gay under Derns gay box, it pisses me off because I can’t retaliate. At the same time, I lay in bed at night, heart pounding with both excitement and anxiety that the sklars would spend even 2 minutes of their set making jokes about my life and stories. if you’re ever lucky enough to experience it - I can’t tell you how downright awesome it is. but until I am granted some basic human rights - rights like truth honesty and love, it is hard for me to “just breathe” and “let go”.
And reminder, People of Earth: I truly am still dealing with a SHIT TON of PTSD. Don’t mistake my hyper-fuckedupedness and get mad at me for it. I truly want and hope to be able to get to a point that I can laugh about it one day. I am trying. I’m just not quite all the way there yet. especially while I’m still being threatened to remain silent or else. I don’t know who this “girl” is - but as I was boarding the metro, I overheard a conversation about - that’s it he won’t meet face to face we’re giving it to her. Which I now find downright disgusting that I am the one accused of not wanting to meet face to face.
OH, and as I don’t know what John Q Public knows, and what I don’t, I have to make this statement: I’VE REPEATEDLY GONE ON RECORD SAYING I DONT WISH TO CENSOR ANYONE, EVER. I DO ADVOCATE FOR PRIVACY, I’M SIMPLY NOT IN ON THE JOKE YET. I HAVE BEEN INSISTENT I WAS ON A REALITY SHOW AND THAT MY ACTIONS WERE ALL BASED AROUND SCRIPTING STORY. All this back story interenet development shit and the fact that I may have contributed to the creative content of things like SpongeBob, Futurama, Glee, Arrested Development, and others, is the stuff I’m getting used to and learning to letting go of.
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